I hate myself today.

I haven't been following my food log at all, which explains all my crazy eating as of late. Also, I've not been working out as consistantly (which I'd like to blame on external circumstances, which is true, but a lousy excuse).
I've now decided that the weight training will only happen every other day, as we've all noticed that my weight loss goals are best met through cardio. The loss of an hour daily last phase REALLY killed my goals, and I didn't realize it would have such a negative effect. Lesson learned. And I don't need to gain muscle, as it's something I have a sizeable supply of, so the weight lifting is not very beneficial aside toning, but the toning would be better served once the fat is gone. So lower weight, higher rep, every other day. Good. Yes, I'm strong. I don't need to show the entire gym that I can lift like a man. (Although it's fun to see women try to show up "the fat girl" by using my weight set after me. Muahahahahahahaha.)
I love that I used to love to run. I can't say that I love it still, but that's only because I'm still tentative. I remember what I was and it's hard to admit to myself that that's not what I am. I have learned, however, that I can run faster than 6 mph. I last checked myself at 6.5 mph, and I know I can run faster. The question really, though, is: for how long?
Right now, the answer is "A little more than a quarter of a track." But that's only because I let myself wuss out.
The good news is that my recovery time after the sprints is getting shorter, which is good, since my sprints are getting longer.
Anyone who has good deductive reasoning skills can watch me on the treadmill and figure out what I'm doing, but it must be interesting to watch me constantly changing speeds all the time. At least I'm never bored! Ha... oh... yeah.
One weird thing I've noticed: I run better on the treadmill while watching the Turner Classic Movies channel. Something about no/few commercials keeps me focused.

But my slackery has had quite the effect on me, and you can see it in my face. I hate/love that the first thing you see change with my weight is my face. (Which is why I've no picture up today.)
I really need to get my rear back in gear.

i met my personal trainer

and he is awesome. they say he's over the top, but i don't think so. he's blunt. he's straight-forward. no sugar coating. it's refreshing.

he actually looked me in the eye and said, "you're fat."
that's what i've been telling myself all along. it's nice to hear someone else say it for once.

especially someone who's going to help me along in making fitness and exercise a new habit of mine.


and he's a great listener (when he doesn't realize he's being recorded ^_^). we were able to backtrack and see what triggered everything, identify what my REAL problem is... and we're going to work it out.


but for now, i get to wear a 20 lb vest everywhere i go, every hour of the day. since i have gained roughly 20 lbs a year for so many years, i get to wear this so i know what i'll be in a year from now if i don't change.


"at 245 pounds when you're only 22, you're going to die before you're 40."

that's a scary thought.

this is going to be hard. i'm going to not want to wake up in the morning because i know that when i do, he will be there. i will not enjoy life.


this will be fun. let's get rolling.