Anger. The blood-boiling kind.

I know scum when I see it, and I've been seeing a lot of it. What angers me is that I warn people and point out to them how they're being manipulated, or where I feel they're in danger, and they reply with "Well, it's my choice to make."
Yeah, it's your &^*&^%^&% retarded effing choice to make. I'm well aware of your free agency. Well done, go ahead and make your stupid choice. HE'S A DIRTY LOWLIFE, but have fun. I'm done with it.
My anger has turned to disgust. Disgust of the violent nature. I haven't been this hot with anger in YEARS. This is eye-clawing, face-smashing, tire-slashing anger.
Repetitive stupidity irritates me the most. I'm REALLY irritated now.
You know, as much pain and anger as I went through with the Jew, I'm actually glad now for the experience. While it taught me to not trust people up front like I used to, it taught me to identity manipulations better and sooner.
You know how it goes, play with matches and you get a little singed, you're still okay; play with matches and you burn the house down, you fear a candle. Exact same thing here. Because what I went through was so painful in so many different ways, I can identify deceit early, from many different angles. And not only that, but since I know, I avoid it and want nothing to do with it.
Looks like I'm only saving myself here, because everyone else wants to make their own freaking decision with this scumbag, rather than rest in the safety of another's experience.
Fine.


The following story is not THE cause of the aforementioned anger, but it contributes.

When I met M a while back, he learned that I do massage. He asked me if I know anyone that does Manual Lymph Drainage massage. I told him I don't, but wouldn't you know- I learned how to do it not even a week before! So, I let him know that if he really needed the work done and couldn't find anyone, then I would be willing to work with him, but if it doesn't go the way he wanted it to, he can't sue me because I warned him that I'm not certified. That's fine, he says, we'll see.
At the BtF before crazy suicidal Monday with T, Travis had told me that he wanted to set up a massage appointment with me (redeeming his Christmas present coupon). M was nearby, as you may recall, and said he wanted one, too. That's okay, we'll get working on that.
After everything exploded, I wasn't sure if M still wanted me to work on him or not. I understood completely if he didn't want ME to work on him; if he wanted a massage, just not from me, then I have a whole bunch of friends I could refer him to. So I texted him later in the week asking if he still wanted the massage and he said yes. I ask if he wants it at my place or his, because either way we'll need privacy. When he asked why, I tried to explain that massage is typically done on a disrobed client, draped with a sheet. (I need access, people. Geez.) That seemed to have thrown him off a bit, so I had Dee explain it to him, because she's been under my hands before.
But seriously. Anyone who's ever wated a James Bond movie figures that massages are done naked with a towel over your butt. Bruce Almighty? Yeah, those ladies were naked under a sheet while getting worked on. Pheobe from friends? Did you not notice the clients were naked?
Anyhow, I can still understand where that would be unnerving to anyone who's never had a Swedish massage before. However, this is what I'm in school FOR, so just trust me, would you?
Well, we never get around to making the appointment because I quickly become disenchanted with the guy.
JB and I were chatting a couple weeks ago and we're exchanging information, clarifying stories he'd told and altered among different people. Trying to pull the truth out of it all, and she says, "So M said you offered him a SWEDISH massage. You know, the NAKED one."
WHAT?!
That made me mad on a professional and personal level.
Professionally: I would NEVER use massage the way it was implied. I may joke about it, but I never did with him. That sort of joking is reserved for close friends and my classmates. BUT DESPITE THAT. What I do is completely professional and it's disgusting what was insinuated with that. My license is not worth that, least of all a tryst with HIM. Orlando Bloom, maybe. Him? Definitely not.
Personally: I never offered him a Swedish Massage. MLD, kinda sorta, with the fine print at the end of "oh and you can't sue me because I'm not certified" which kinda kills the whole "offer" thing. I never offer a full body massage. I serioiusly wait for people to dance around asking for one; I want a massage to be their idea, not my offer. Unless it's family or a friend in pain. Which is a different story. ANYHOW.
He ASKED for the massage and I only clarified what he'd asked for. He wanted the massage my brother was getting -- and that's what it was!
And when I have a disrobed client, it's not like, "ooh baby, let me get my hands on your body." HECK NO. It's the only way to get anything done! So when people are naked, it's not a big deal to me. So to imply that I would use it for anything other than its real purpose is insulting and disgusting. Sure, it might be a little weird for you at first, but in a PROFESSIONAL SETTING (which it always is) there isn't a problem! My freaking goodness.
How DARE he imply that? How dare he insinuate that my motives were of that nature. MOTIVES THAT WEREN'T EVEN THERE BECAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN OFFER HIM THAT MODALITY!
Angry, angry, angry.

Oh, he texted me Thursday night. I'd deleted his number long ago because I never use it, so it helped in a great conversation.
M: Boo.
L: Yikes. Who is this?
M: Who is this? Did you remove my number?
L: I seriously have no idea who this is.
M: This is M Letha.
L: Ohhh. Gotcha.
M: Did you delete my number?
L: Looks like I did.
M: :-( (M sad face) Why did you do that?
L: Mostly because we don't associate with each other and I don't trust you.
M: Well you're always at school and if you don't want to associate with me just say so and I'll leave you alone.
L: I said before that if you want help with church stuff, I'll be there. As for friends, or anything of that nature, no thank you.
M: Well still. Sorry to have bothered talking. Have a nice day.
L: You too.

Let's break this down a bit.
When I explained why I deleted his number, the real problem wasn't the time spent with each other, but the lack of trust. There are plenty of people in my phone book that I don't see all the time and yet are still in there. (Tony? I love you. Ashleigh? Hey girl.) So it wasn't the time spent together that I was criticizing, but his character, which was really at fault. And rather than ask why I don't trust him, he immediately (and I mean immediately) threw it on my being at school all the time. (I'm NOT at school all the time. There's 20 hours a day where I'm not at school. Just sayin'.) I find it interesting that, rather than defend his character, he attacks my schedule. Yeah, because my education is getting in the way of this stellar relationship.
He then told me to just tell him if I didn't want to associate with him. I'm sorry, I would have thought that if you can imply something dirty with Swedish Massage, then you would have caught the implied "leave me the hell alone" with "I don't trust you." Oh well. Would you really think that someone would want to associate with you if they didn't trust you? No? Well then.
I have NO problem answering gospel questions. I love the gospel. I love the prophets and the church and the traditions and customs and everything that comes with it. Even the crazies I complain about. I have no qualms with talking to ANYONE about churchy stuff. If they want it, I'll give it. But that doesn't mean I have to be friends with them. I am allowed to not be friends with every freaking person that comes my way.
"Well still. Sorry to have bothered talking." Bothered? I'm sorry it was such a waste of your time to have to be told the truth. Bothered? Were you trying to accomplish something here? Fix a friendship? Sorry fool, but homie don't play that.
Now, I'm all for second chances, really I am. Heaven knows I need them. And I love people and I want them to be close to me and I want to love them and care about them and have a great unity between us all. If you say something dumb, that's fine. If you pull my hair, whatever. Steal my socks, just wash 'em before you give them back. But losing my trust? The paperwork you have to fill out is so long, and so full of fine print, and comes with a deadline and there are certian things that must be done a specific way and with a specific intent... It's so much work you might as well not even apply for it. Consider my trust lost the first time around. I don't trust him.
Bothered. Pft. It was more of waste of MY time than yours.