confronted with mortality that is not your own

Out of curiosity, do you ever do a google search of your own name? When I did an image search of Letha, I got this:



Which is pretty much the BEST find EVER.

But then I did a name search, just a regular google and I found this link: RootsWeb: WORLD-OBITS-L JONES; Letha-11/7/2005>USA/AZ--obits ...
ago with her niece. She leaves behind one sister, Mary Scrivner Sanders of Albuquerque, NM and numerous nephews, nieces and cousins. Letha was preceded ...
listsearches.rootsweb.com/th/read/WORLD-OBITS/2005-09/1125785822 - 4k -

...that's my great aunt. I was named after her. And the Mary Scrivner mentioned is my grandmother, after whom my little sister was named.
It's weird, finding something like that. I miss her.

paying for free

So I went to Sandia Casino on Thursday for an Aging Health fair, where I helped represent Apollo College Massage, giving chair massages. We were giving 10-minute massages and we were BUSY! (Of course, who wouldn't want a free massage? Honestly.)
We had at least 100 names on the list, I worked for 4 HOURS, just back-to-back massages. I gave 24 massages; I know that doesn't sound like much when you look at it, but really, it is a big deal. But PTL, my hands don't get tired. Seriously, I can go a long, long, long, long time before my hands get tired, so at the end of four hours, I could still go... I just didn't want to be there anymore, and I had to go to class anyway.
I put $18 in my gas tank before I drove up there, and made $12 in tips. Sweet. I paid $6 to give 4 hours of massage.
I did get a couple of "God bless you!"s, and a few hugs, a promise for a pair of hand-made Native American earrings to be mailed to me at school, and a shimmy. So... it wasn't all bad. The gratitude was amazing. I just wish I could use gratitude in my gas tank. But they were wonderful, they really were.

But there were some people, who'd check in every five minutes, "Is it going to be much longer? This is taking forever!"
Excuuuuuuuuuse me, but these are FREE massages! You see these 5 individuals here? We came here on our OWN to give FREE massages, okay? I didn't HAVE to come and rub down a bunch of strangers. I didn't HAVE to drive up to a casino, deal with my people-claustrophobia, sweat, not eat, and deal with all this. I could have stayed in bed. I could have gone running. I could have farted around on myspace. I'm not getting PAID to be here, like all the other booths are. My work was COMPLETELY voluntary. Go ahead and complain, though. Jerk.

I hate people. Not individual persons (okay, I do sometimes), but I hate PEOPLE. This whole feeling of entitlement is REALLY going too far and it's pretty dang obnoxious.

Phew

December 2005 is up on [stix'd] blogspot.

yeah...

In school we just finished our Infant/Pregnancy massage module. Of course, being a massage class, our finals are hands-on.
Worst massage I have ever given in my entire life. My draping was... awful. Embarassing. The sheets just wouldn't stay where I wanted them, and on top of that, apparantly I'm ultra-conservative in my draping... except when the sheets don't stay put... Blargh! And then my strokes were just all over the place, flow was bad, choppy. I completely missed a stroke on one side. I guess I could blame it on lack of time (we only had an hour). At least I missed the stroke on the WHOLE side, instead of just missing a limb. >.<
But my victim was good natured and didn't get mad at me -- he'd already completed his massage training and was just waiting to take his test for his license. Then on the feedback form, he gave me mostly 4's and 5's out of 5. Yay.
I was seriously nervous for my grade because Julie kept talking to me while I was working on my guy. (My goal is to give a massage without being corrected.) And she talked to me for quite a while over my wrist angles. I know she was just trying to keep me safe, and she's right. I really need to keep my wrists straight, but the angles were weird, awkward, and frustrating. It felt more comfortable with my fingers turned in, but I do need to improve my body mechanics. Oy...
But, good news: my GPA is still a 4.0; I squeaked by with a 92%. Oh, the shame.

Okay, so everyone knows how in certain social gatherings, there are specific individuals that are allowed to get away with various things. Each group has its own mores and eccentricities... yes.
In my class alone, there are 12 students. When you are The New Kid, you have to establish yourself and "pay your dues," if you will. Now, we are enrolled in a medical school, so our uniform is scrubs. That's all well and good, except that scrubs are not the easiest thing to give a massage in. They're hot, don't breathe, aren't very flexible... Due to this, the massage kids can take off their scrubs when doing body work. Usually we'll have gym shorts and a t-shirt on under the scrubs and work in that; this is not ever explained to The New Kid, they get to learn this on their own -- after they've given a massage in scrubs, THEN you can jump in and be a Part of the class. Still The New Kid, but you're a Part of it, now.
Weird? Yes? But you get it. Good.
Now, there are cliques in the class. Even that small, we have the established group lines. We all intermingle and get along, but whatever. You're always welcome to jump group lines, but you have to be welcomed into the group whose line you're jumping into (this is usually never a problem) by being basically invited by a pre-existing Clique member.
Like middle school. Good.
I had to give a massage in scrubs a few times before I learned that scrub-less massage was okay AND, I didn't press myself onto any individual, but eased myself into various circles and am now Established. Go me. We all had to go through it.
NOW-- there are individuals who are able to do things that usually would be frowned upon or considered inappropriate.
Gina is the only one allowed to show people her nipple ring through her clothes. Because, well, she's Gina.
Rudy can say stupid stuff because, well, he's Rudy.
Vanessa can go around without a bra because her body type makes it acceptable and it isn't disgusting and, well, it's Vanessa.
I can completely derail a conversation for 5-10 minutes, and then bring it RIGHT back to the point of derailment, because, well, I'm Letha.
Each person is allowed their own Thing and nobody else can pull it off, it's a breach of territory.
So.
Enter New Kid: Creepy Carol (name changed, of course). She totally skipped the unwritten socially accepted path of Establishment and as soon as she saw everyone in t-shirts, the next day she did it. WTF. Anyway, it was the Chair Massage mod, so we didn't really have time to interact with each other because we were always in the nursing building giving chair massages for practice. So the whole group lines weren't there since we were all working.
But the Established Ones all got a weird vibe from her, didn't really know what to make of her. She's very pale, not very attractive at all. When I saw her, I seriously thought she was in her mid-late 40s and was pretty proud of her for making such a big jump to change careers to massage. Still got the creepy vibes, but whatever.
We've another New Kid, Jeannie. I like her. She's nice. No creepy vibes, just nice and quiet, kinda shy, but warm. I like her. Big fan of Jeannie. So, I was trying to bring her into a group, talking to her during break, and Carol was there, so she was in the conversation without being IN the conversation. I asked Jeannie why she went into massage and she said it's because her kids said she "always hits the right spot."
That's a good reason: someone said you're good at it. Nice, humble, open answer. Good for her.
Now, I can't ask someone close to me one question and not ask the other, so I ask Carol. Her answer... "Because I'm good at it."
Woah. ...Woah, woah. WOAH.
Humility FAIL.
You can say you're good at something without SAYING you're good at it. Arrogance, much? Holy freaking crap. Things like, "Everyone kept asking me for shoulder rubs," or "I've been told I have strong hands," and "People tell me I would be good at this," -- ANYTHING like that. Jeez.
So that put me off immediately. I don't care how good you think you are, Carol, but you will NEVER get your hands on me. Ever. Not with an attitude like that. You can be the best, but I will NEVER go to you. Just like Billy Bob can be the best singer on the planet, but if he's a douche, you will never fully enjoy his music. Seriously.
Then she starts giving me some sort of oral resume on how people she doesn't even know at work come up and ask her to work on them... WTF. I have my OWN list of success stories and I don't care to hear yours. Especially when I didn't ask for them.
Good for you, biotch. I don't care. Go away.
And she's got this massive superiority thing going on, always saying things like, "Oh, I've been doing this for years, I know what we're doing, I know how to do this, I've done it forever..." blah blah blah... "I'm good at this, I'm great" yadda yadda yadda.
Yeah, by the way, EVERYONE in our class is good. There is not a single pair of bad hands in there, so yeah, you can be good, but there is no best. We all have different styles, techniques, feels, and strengths, but there is no best. And 90% of the massages we give are actually the massages we'd like to receive, so while you think you're awesome, you're really just massaging yourself by proxy. Your massage is best for you, good for you. MY massage is the kind I'd like to receive, so it's the best for me.
And knowing that, since everyone has a different feel, you know to go to different classmates for different things. Yow want it deep, you come to me. You want it smooth and relaxing, you go to Santana. You want warmth and fluidity, you go to Rudy. There is no best. Get over yourself. Seriously.
Argh.

Now. So I'm unhappy with her as it is, and it irked me for a little while, but I didn't dwell on it too much (just enough to vent it out) but she still creeped me out. Hairstyle, grooming... just the whole package really threw me.
But I guess she thought that the conversation made us pals or something, because she'd throw a wink my way every now and then. Whatever. When I was a kid, grownups used to wink at me all the time. So I'd throw a wink back.

Remember those individually accepted things? No? Well, I do. Gina's got the piercing, Vanessa's got the unsupported boobs. Okay.
The other night, Carol comes in without a bra, in a spaghetti strap shirt, TOTALLY showing off her nipple piercing. OMFGWTF. (for you that thought i was cussing there, I actually said oh my freaking gosh, double-you-tee-eff.)
First, she does NOT have the body type to support the UNsupport she was sporting, and second SHE'S NOT GINA. Everyone who saw her walk in went bug-eyed and looked at each other with OMG looks. Karen and I looked at each other and just couldn't say ANYTHING for a good... oh... 10 seconds.
Gross.
First, ladies... Not wearing a bra is not liberating. Gravity hurts. Not just you, but my eyes. Thanks.

Things that make you go "ughhh."

So... moving along, I worked at the clinic on Friday, giving chair massages, and Creepy Carol was there. [groan] She kept telling me I looked nice, that she liked my earrings, throwing me winks. wtf. She offered me a chair massage before we got started. I don't know why she didn't offer one to Jose, but I declined.
I said I don't like people touching me. I'd rather GIVE a massage than get one, thanks (and this is true).

Upon further reflection, it looks like I've got some lady deflection to do. I need a boyfriend to show up and snog me. That'd be awesome.

AUGH!!!!!!

Oy Vey

Alright, it's been a while, hasn't it? It's because [insert excuse here].

First, eTelecare let me go on Friday and I wasn't sure if I should be sad or thrilled, so I opted for "freaking glad." The only reason I hadn't actually quit yet was because I hadn't had time to turn in applications elsewhere. I had been putting in time off requests on a weekly basis (and I had enough PTO saved up for the amount of time I'd requested) and nothing was going through. It was pretty frustrating. I was getting sick of having MY name associated with a bad product.
I can take the blame when something really is my fault. If I do something wrong, I will own up to it and do what I can to correct it, heck, I'll even take other people's slip ups and correct them, but don't blame me for it. I hatehateHATE being the face of a crap product. I hated having to pretend to stand by it, defend it, and lie about it. I hated telling people that their malfunction/poor quality was an exception, when it was the vast majority of the norm. I like to fix things, actually RESOLVE issues, and this job was not doing that; it was telling people we have a resolution, when really we were just shutting them up and moving on to the next person. And any customer who caught on that that's what we were doing were told, "oh, no, that isn't the case, it's just we have a fast resolution for you and it's got a 90-warranty on it... or the rest of your original year. Whichever is longer. But yes, if it does malfunction outside of that time frame, then yes, you are SOL. Have a nice day, thanks for choosing ABC wireless."
No. Not me, not anymore.
I understand the corporation's side, I do. And I understand the contracts, and the lines drawn in the sand. I also know that there is a great deal of consumer uneducation going on, and a lot of people refuse to research the product they're buying. And a lot more people just like to complain. I know that. But I refuse to be a part of it anymore. Especially when I am personally being thrown in to save the Big Guys, take the abuse and blame, and try to come up with reasons as to why They don't care.
If I had a psuedonym, this may not have been as big a deal, but maybe. Anyhow.

Now I'm looking for a job. Something that won't interfere with my school schedule, mostly. I'm not a big fan of call centers right now (understandably) and ... yeah. That's pretty much it. I'd rather work in a stock/backroom or with animals. I'm not too keen on human interaction at the moment.

Now on to school. I LOVE it. I'm so glad I'm there. I've got a 4.0, which means I got a nice little certificate with a gold seal on it for the Presidential Award with Academic Honors. Pretty sweet, I'm not gonna lie.
Last night we had our Swedish massage final. I think I did okay. I need to check in with my client more, like ask if the pressure is okay, if they're okay, etc. Also, I give stimulating massages, deep and fast. I need to learn to take it slow and create a relaaaaaaaxing massage. Some kids in the class are proud that they can make people fall asleep. I'm not a big fan of that; maybe it's just because I want to feel a massage through the day, feel loose and worked and everything. I work my own traps to loosen 'em up so I can get moving. Sports massage type. I don't want to make people fall asleep, maybe because I don't want to fall asleep during a massage. But whatever. If that's the "In" thing, I guess I'll have to do it. Lots of effleurage.

And I got my progress report last night. Of course, with a 4.0 I'm doing fine. But I looked at my schedule and I realized that I actually test for my table at the end of October/early November, not December like I'd thought. That's super exciting! YAY TABLE!